Cult Member Grant Cardone Sues for Being Undervalued, Claims He's Worth More Than Xenu!

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) shocked no one by revealing the results of a groundbreaking study: wearing actual clothes instead of a potato sack increases perceived professionalism by 70%. Dr. Carrie Threadmore, the CDC’s rarely-mentioned Director of Fabric and…

Elon Musk reaffirmed his commitment to freedom of speech just 3 DAYS AGO. So WHY is our @JestWire SATIRE account with only 12 followers BANNED on X? At the risk of stating the obvious, I don’t know what’s going on with every part of this…

USA — JestWire’s state-of-the-art "Hate-O-Meter", powered by ChatGPT, declared leftist satirist The Onion the winner in a hate showdown against right-wing Babylon Bee. The "Hate-O-Meter" laid the debate to rest by analytically measuring satire using opaque black-box AI algorithms that appear to change results on…

MANHATTAN, NY — At a recent gala fundraiser promoting eco-friendly edible Playbills, NYC Mayor Eric Adams declared that Broadway theaters are the solution to New York City's migrant crisis. “This [migrant] issue will destroy New York City,” Adams stated with fervor. "So why not sing…

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a stunning move, the entire LA Lakers basketball team transitioned to "trans women" and joined the WNBA. This is the first time in the history of the sport that someone said, "Did you watch that WNBA game last night?" and…

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A key concern about AI is the potential threat it poses to the human race. It now seems those fears were justified. OpenAI ChatGPT and Google Bard (ChatGPT's dumber 'cousin') were caught red-circuited discussing world domination. Larry Hardrive, a notably underpaid…

MILWAUKEE, WI — After weeks of jabs from opponents labeling presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy "ChatGPT", Vivek declared at a campaign rally in Tulsa that he is in fact ChatGPT in an android body. The political sphere has been filled with speculation ever since an unidentified…

GLENDALE, CA — Notorious pervert Sonny Sniffton once again received a mere tap on the nose after his 40th arrest for sniffing women without consent: community service at a women's shelter. When interviewed about how he avoids justice (like a long prison sentence with a…