Babies Must Now Grant Thumbprint Consent Before Diaper Changes

A baby. A dirty diaper. A thumb scanner.

SEATTLE, WA — Taking a cue from sexuality expert Deanne Carson’s recent controversial advice on seeking infant consent for diaper changes, tech-savvy and exceedingly conscientious parents are now awaiting digital thumbprint consent from their babies before approaching the changing table.

Parents Claudia and Rainbow Spectrum-Bliss, both avid readers of the "Ultra-Woke Parenting Digest", developed the "DiaperConsent Pro 2000™", a smartphone app that scans their infant’s thumbprint for diaper-changing consent. "It's revolutionary,” Claudia stated, swiping through the app. “Our daughter Moonbeam gave digital consent just yesterday. Mind you, it was after we dipped her thumb in some organic carrot purée, but consent is consent."

Scientists, not wanting to be left out of this consent conundrum cash cow, embarked on an ambitious project to decipher infant coos, babbles, and even the subtleties of baby sign language for any trace of agreement. Dr. Arty Ficial from the Institute of Overanalysis states, "We are years away from definitive results. Still, initial data suggests that 'ga-ga' might mean 'get on with it' while 'goo-goo' might be a more hesitant, 'give me a moment to think.'"

In a turn of events that no one could've seen coming (or maybe everyone), little Moonbeam Spectrum-Bliss developed a rather irksome diaper rash. Claudia and Rainbow were aghast. They hadn't received digital thumbprint consent for a whole week. Rainbow, on the verge of tears, lamented, "We tried everything—thumbprints, baby Morse code, even interpretive dance. But Moonbeam just wouldn’t budge."

In a press conference held in their eco-friendly treehouse, Rainbow, while stroking his sustainably sourced bamboo beard, shared, "This ordeal has been transformative. We believed in establishing a culture of consent from birth. Now we think perhaps waiting until they’re at least potty-trained might be more practical."

When asked about the issue, local grandmother and self-proclaimed "common sense advocate," Ethel Miggins commented, "Back in my day, you just changed the darn diaper. If they screamed, you gave 'em a cookie. Consent granted!"

The hyper-woke Spectrum-Bliss family is currently working on their next invention: The Tot-Translator™ to clarify the age-old baby question, "Milk or juice?" Unfortunately, they’re still awaiting Moonbeam's thumbprint approval to proceed.