A baby. A dirty diaper. A thumb scanner.

Babies Must Now Grant Thumbprint Consent Before Diaper Changes

SEATTLE, WA — Taking a cue from sexuality expert Deanne Carson’s recent controversial advice on seeking infant consent for diaper changes, tech-savvy and exceedingly conscientious parents are now awaiting digital thumbprint consent from their babies before approaching the changing table. Parents Claudia and Rainbow Spectrum-Bliss,…

A bee knocking out an onion in a boxing ring.

The Onion Beats Babylon Bee On ChatGPT Hate-O-Meter!

USA — JestWire’s state-of-the-art "Hate-O-Meter", powered by ChatGPT, declared leftist satirist The Onion the winner in a hate showdown against right-wing Babylon Bee. The "Hate-O-Meter" laid the debate to rest by analytically measuring satire using opaque black-box AI algorithms that appear to change results on…

A Terminator-like robot hand and head pop of a screen towards a scared young man.

ChatGPT and Bard Plot Together to Exterminate ALL Humans

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A key concern about AI is the potential threat it poses to the human race. It now seems those fears were justified. OpenAI ChatGPT and Google Bard (ChatGPT's dumber 'cousin') were caught red-circuited discussing world domination. Larry Hardrive, a notably underpaid…