Squirrel Hired as Detective by Minneapolis Police to Sniff Out Crime

A squirrel in a police uniform digging for stolen jewels by a tree.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The Minneapolis Police Department (MPD) announced their latest attempt to manage budget cuts inflicted by the "Defund the Police" movement prompted by local congresswoman Ilhan Omar. The newest member of their friendly enforcement team is a four-legged, bushy-tailed detective who goes by the name "Mr. Nutters" – an Eastern Gray Squirrel with a knack for volunteer community-policing.

The decision was announced at a press conference where Police Chief Bucky McSquirrel (possibly a cousin of Mr. Nutters) proudly introduced Mr. Nutters to the media, citing the squirrel's uncanny ability to locate hidden acorns.

"Mr. Nutters' expertise in discovering concealed caches of nuts suggests a natural aptitude for detective work. If he can sniff out an acorn buried six months ago under three feet of snow as good as Creepy Joe sniffs children, surely he can crack some of our city's unsolved crimes," said McSquirrel.

The recruitment of Mr. Nutters comes amidst growing concerns about crime in Minneapolis. Also, this unorthodox solution is seen as part of a broader initiative to think 'outside the squirrel burrow' in addressing public safety issues.

Local resident Bertha Crank opined on Talkback Radio: "I've heard about police dogs and their amazing noses, but a squirrel? Next, they'll be training pigeons to issue parking tickets!"

Not everyone is skeptical. Phil Kashu, a member of the local Neighborhood Watch, expressed optimism about Mr. Nutters. "Police dogs find drugs, groundhogs predict the weather, why not a crime-fighting squirrel? If it lowers my taxes and gets punks off the street, I say give him a badge and let him nibble away!"

Mr. Nutters appears to have already demonstrated his value. On his inaugural patrol, he darted to a nearby park and dug at the base of a tree. Nutters unearthed a collection of missing jewels from a high-profile heist that stumped the MPD. The find led to the arrest of the infamous 'Minneapolis Gem Jacker'.

Critics have been quick to point out that the buried loot was likely just a coincidence. Chief McSquirrel remained nonchalant. "One-hundred percent that's Mr. Nutters doing his thing. He’s not just any squirrel, he's our 'Secret Squirrel'. And I promise you this: he won’t be stashing nuts for winter, he’ll be stashing criminals…in prison!"