Woke Elementary School Teacher Fired for Cat-astrophic Oversight

PITTSBURGH, PA — An elementary school teacher's woke dream turned into a real-life nightmare after an unfortunate incident involving a third-grade student identifying as a cat.

Mr. Toby "All-Inclusive" Bernard, a teacher at the Harmonious Elementary School, had a reputation for his woke credentials. A dedicated promoter of inclusivity and diversity, Bernard had transformed his third-grade classroom into a safe haven for all identities. From hanging a six-foot-tall LGBTQIA+ flag to daily pronoun checks, he had covered all the bases.

Or so he thought.

Things took a cat-astrophic turn when Lily, a nine-year-old student who identifies as a feline, filed a complaint against him. The issue at hand? Mr. Bernard neglected to change Lily's litter box and feed her non-vegan, non-gluten-free kibble. 

"I don't ask for much, just a clean place to poop and a bowl filled with vegan, gluten-free kitty vittles," Lily meowed at the press conference held by her parents and their lawyer. "Mr. Bernard let me down. I trusted him. Now, I feel utterly betrayed. Also, I may have a hairball..."

In response, the school district decided to terminate Bernard's teaching contract, citing "failure to create an inclusive environment for all students."

Mr. Bernard, aghast at this turn of events, held a press conference outside his now-former classroom. Dressed in a T-shirt proclaiming, "I Heart All Species," he told reporters, "I was so focused on inclusive language, I overlooked inclusive feeding and fecal hygiene. I take full responsibility. But I do want to clarify that the kibble was from a brand that marketed itself as 'all-natural.' I assumed that included vegan and gluten-free."

Animal rights activists and advocates for inclusive education have found common ground on this issue, supporting Lily and calling for more comprehensive teacher training. A GoFundMe campaign has been launched to secure vegan, gluten-free feline cuisine for Lily, with the excess funds to be used to create an awareness campaign called "Don't Assume Your Food Is Suitable for All Species."

Despite the cat-astrophe, Lily remains hopeful. With a purr, she expressed her eagerness to return to school, stating, "I hope my next teacher will treat me with more respect and change my litter box every day."

Meanwhile, Bernard is contemplating his next move. "Maybe I'll take a crash course in animal care," he said, stroking a phantom beard. "Next time, I want to be ready. All-inclusive must mean all species inclusive. I'll definitely be attending Anthrocon this summer."

As the dust settles on this incident, one thing is clear: the road to inclusivity is a long and winding one, filled with unexpected speed bumps and crap-filled litter boxes.

Editor’s Commentary:

Satire often requires us to venture into the realm of exaggerated reality. A perfect illustration of this can be seen in the media's portrayal of high school students identifying with animal personas. Wikipedia and mainstream news outlets are quick to label these trends as outrageous, the products of online pranks and rumors.

Wikipedia refers to a specific claim known as "The litter boxes in schools hoax," where it's alleged that some schools in North America are providing litter boxes for students who identify as cats or partake in the furry or otherkin subcultures. These rumors, according to the site, circulated throughout 2021 and 2022, inflamed by prank videos and led to a public outcry, with worried parents calling for administrative action.

However, the narrative might not be as clear-cut as it seems. In contrast to the prevailing skepticism, a recent exposé by the Daily Mail in June 2023 presented evidence of students actually identifying as animals, apparently supported by their school faculty. While we may not be at a point where students are using litter boxes, it’s blatant misinformation to label this story as a complete hoax.

In a world where truth can often be stranger than fiction, there's a reasonable concern that empirical truths are being purposefully labeled as fiction. The motive could be to allow unconventional behaviors time to gestate in the public’s consciousness, making those ideas and behaviors difficult to challenge in the future. Groomers gotta groom. During stage four, the last stage of indoctrination (the first three being denial, normalization, and promotion), enforcement, the leftist media will state in unison “Of course kids were identifying as cats, dogs, and lemurs - they’ve always done that and it's good for them. Also, litter boxes are necessary for them to fully explore their identity.”

From JestWire’s perspective, as truth becomes stranger than fiction, we’ll keep on raising the satirical bar. Bring it on.