Cleanliness Next to Godliness? Not for This Transracial Driver at Local Car Wash

ELIZABETHTOWN, NJ — In an incident that has left onlookers bemused and befuddled, a routine car wash turned into the stage for a debate on racial identity and car cleanliness. At the heart of this soapy saga is Montgomery “Jamal” Jones, a transracial individual who, though white by birth, identifies as a black man who adopted the name “Jamal”.

On an otherwise unremarkable day, Jones brought his white sedan to the "Suds Spectacular" car wash for a routine scrub. However, as the car wash staff worked their magic, Jones raised concerns that his vehicle was getting "too clean", likening it to racial cleansing. 

As if this claim weren't perplexing enough, a nearby white 'tube man' inflatable - blissfully bobbing in the wind to attract customers - suddenly became a symbol of racial prejudice. A gust of wind caused the inflatable to sway away from Jones, an action he interpreted as a racial affront akin to his experiences of white women allegedly reacting fearfully to him in enclosed spaces.

A black woman who witnessed the incident, yelled to Jamal, “Stop, being such as Ken!” Jamal retorted, “Sister, please stop mis-racializing me with your jive talk.” The black woman peeled out of the parking lot in utter disgust before anyone could get her name.

The car wash manager, inadvertently thrust into a complex sociopolitical drama amid soap bubbles and wax polish, desperately sought ways to placate Jones. Meanwhile, the stand-offish oblivious inflatable continued its wind-induced dance routine, unaware of its newfound infamy. 

The incident soon attracted the attention of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP). In response, they issued a statement emphasizing the need for acceptance and understanding of all racial identities, including those like Jones who identify differently from their birth race.

After much uproar, it was eventually acknowledged that the entire incident was a classic case of misinterpretation. The inflatable's movements were simply due to wind dynamics, and the car wash's cleaning processes did not discriminate against any car, regardless of color or the racial identity of its owner.

To avoid such situations in the future, the car wash, in a rather unusual settlement, offered Jones lifetime car washes, with the stipulation that his white car would receive a 'less clean' wash - a pledge to prevent it from becoming 'too white.'  In response to the fiasco, a biological black female lesbian BLM spokesperson stated, "This is just another example of systemic racism and white privilege. I'll be in next week to collect my lifetime car wash coupon."

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