Canada's 'One Slice at a Time' Amputation Policy is Friendly Alternative to Assisted Suicide

Mannequins in a slaughterhouse with limbs missing.

OTTAWA, CANADA — Known for its commitment to personal autonomy, Canada has leaped off the cliff of assisted suicide to the precipice of self-disassembly. In what can only be described as "cutting-edge" policy, Canada's newly announced "One Slice at a Time" plan (which sounds like a slogan for Pizza Hut) allows citizens to go out on a limb – or rather, without one.

This radical innovation is seen as an extension of current legislation which permits nearly anyone to request assisted suicide. Instead of being limited to one fell swoop, Canadians can choose a slice-by-slice approach to their existential exit -- amputating one limb at a time.

"Assisted suicide is a positive step forward to self-annihilation…but a very small one" stated the enthusiastic Minister of Limb Liberation, Nancy Nubbs, holding up her partially full glass of iced tea with a remaining hand. She then gleefully retorted, "Why baby-step when you can single hop, skip, or stork-pose?"

The decision has left ethicists, medical professionals, and even lumberjacks scratching their heads – and checking their health insurance policies for voluntary amputation coverage. An anonymous government official commented, "I guess you could say we're taking the 'right to die' to a whole new level. And by level, I mean torso height."

However, not everyone is thrilled. The Canadian Amputee Skiing Association (CASA) is snowed under trying to adapt to the upcoming changes. "We might need to add categories for 'semi-deliberate amputee' or 'amputating in progress'," grumbled the CASA spokesperson, anxiously balancing on a solitary leg.

The Canadian government is carving out several services to support this initiative, such as DIY Amputation kits (complete with soothing maple syrup) and limb-farewell parties known as 'Right to Part' events. The Canadian economy has gotten an unexpected kick with new prosthetics businesses opening up on every corner.

Nature is also lending a helping... tooth. The Canadian Wildlife Service has launched a pilot program to train beavers in precision gnawing for those citizens wanting a more "natural" experience. "Beavers: they're not just for trees anymore!" chuckled a representative, cradling an oddly gnawed femur.

Meanwhile, internationally renowned chef, Gordon Ramsey, has been drawn into the culinary whirlwind, working on a new series: "Chopped Canada: Quite Literally". As the chef succinctly put it, "It’s time we got real about local and sustainable body-to-table cooking."

Many anonymous nobodies on the internet have hailed this initiative as a bold move that integrates Canada's existing progressive stance on assisted suicide into a more granular 'body autonomy' framework. As the rest of the world observes with astonishment, horror, and morbid curiosity, one thing is clear - Canada is pushing the boundaries of subjective godless morality. Whether this innovative policy becomes a cut above the rest or a mere flesh wound in the history of legislation, only time will tell.