Men Quaking in Boxers: New Study Reveals Fear of Trans-Men Bathroom Blitz

PORTLAND, OR — A new study is turning conventional fears on their heads.  In a seismic shake-up to social norms, a recent report suggests that men, traditionally the pillar of stoicism and courage, are quivering in their booties at the thought of being assaulted by trans men, also known as biological women, in public men's bathrooms and locker rooms. 

According to the scholarly paper's results, men are, in fact, more afraid of getting an ass-kicking from a trans man in the lavatory than women are of a skirmish with a trans woman. Men, the gender that wrestles grizzly bears, climbs Everest, and confidently assembles IKEA furniture without the manual, are reportedly haunted by the ghostly prospect of a trans-man bathroom beatdown.

The study, conducted by the Institute of Wholly Unanticipated Societal Shockers (IWUSS), involved an extensive survey spanning diverse demographics. Astonishingly, it found that 85% of males admitted to 'feeling the heebie-jeebies' at the potential threat of a trans man 'flexing their muscles' in the sacred male sanctuary known as the restroom.

"This is a complete disruption of the fear spectrum," said Dr. Stanislaus Gulp, lead researcher at IWUSS. "Who would've thought that our alpha males would be living in dread of getting a wedgie from a former member of the fairer sex in the john?"

This 'bathroom bar brawl' phobia has inspired some truly innovative self-defense strategies amongst the male populace. Some men have started practicing 'urinal judo', a new martial arts trend focused on toilet-based combat, while others opt for a buddy system, never braving the bathroom without a trusted friend.

Still, others have installed an elaborate network of wifi spy-cameras to scout potential threats, an operation code-named "Eye-see-you-pee." And for those looking for a technological edge, there's a new app, "StallGuard," that promises to alert you of any potential trans men infiltrators based on cubicle occupancy and loo-paper usage patterns.

Lastly, this article isn't just's pure comedy fiction. After all, no real man lives in physical fear of a biological woman, no matter what identity she embraces. Unsatirically, on the other hand, biological men should NOT be allowed in women's intimate public spaces.