FBI Pepper Sprays and Arrests 97-Year-Old Man Over 'I Voted' Sticker Stash

An elderly man wearing an 'I Voted' sticker is surrounded by an armed SWAT team.

PALM SPRINGS, CA — Just days after a 75-year-old man was fatally shot by the FBI for online threats against President Joe Biden, the usually quiet neighborhood of Sunshine Valley was rocked Saturday morning as an FBI SWAT team with a fleet of black SUVs and a roaring helicopter zeroed in on the Shady Palms nursing home. Their target was resident Wilfred "Willy" Elderberry, a lucid 97-year-old with a passion for collecting "I Voted" stickers.

An anonymous tipster informed the FBI that Willy had one more election sticker than the number of eligible times he could vote since 1944.

Thirty-six agents with bomb-sniffing dogs broke down Willy's door. A startled Willy erratically waved his cane trying to catch his balance. A jumpy agent shouted, "Threatening me, old man?!" Another loose-cannon agent pepper sprayed and handcuffed Willy.

Elderberry croaked out in pain "I found the sticker in the dirt! Is that a crime?" 

An FBI spokesperson commented, "It was an honest mistake. A month ago we shot the owner of a satire website making fun of Hunter Biden. Took a week to clean up that mess."

Shortly after the raid, it was discovered that next door to Willy was a sophisticated ballot-harvesting operation. Local Democratic Marxist radical Sandra Leftington used the nursing home as a front for her criminal operation. 

Leftington was also "I Heart AOC", the anonymous informant who framed Willy. She thought his sticker collection would misdirect feds while she was busy ballot stuffing.

Leftington's plan worked. She managed to scoot away with the ballots on her eco-friendly solar-powered scooter.

A free Willy is now selling merch on Etsy. Most popular is a t-shirt with the caption "The FBI raided and maced me for voting and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."