Trump Vows to Swap Cell Block for Fight Club: Promises Cage Match with Prosecutor Alvin Bragg

NEW YORK, NY — Former President Donald Trump has categorically stated he will not, under any circumstances, spend a day behind bars. Instead, he's suggesting an alternative sentence that feels more at home in a Quentin Tarantino film than a courtroom: a cage match with New York Prosecutor Alvin Bragg .

At a recent press conference at Mar-a-Lago, Trump, flanked by men whose biceps were bigger than most people's necks, announced his proposed penal substitution. "There is no way I'm spending time in a jail cell," Trump declared his trademark bravado on full display. "Instead, I propose a cage match, mano-a-mano, me versus Alvin Bragg. We'll settle this like men."

The idea, as outrageous as it may sound, came to Trump after binge-watching late-night mixed martial arts (MMA) and professional wrestling matches. "I saw how those guys settled their beef in the ring and I thought, why not? It's better than rotting in a cell." Strangely, this concept is not original. In Thailand, there is a program called Prison Fight where prisoners can fight and win their freedom.

The former president suggested that the duel, which he insists on referring to as "Trump vs. The World: The Final Showdown", should be held at Madison Square Garden, complete with theatrical entrances, an extravagant light show, and a Pay-Per-View broadcast.

He's even gone as far as suggesting attire for the duel. "I'm thinking of wearing something patriotic, like my red power tie and a pair of American flag boxer shorts. Bragg can wear whatever he wants, but if he wants a suggestion, he'd look good in a chicken suit," Trump quipped, generating chuckles from the room.

In a not-so-surprising twist, Trump has secured the endorsement of the WWE's McMahon family for this unusual judicial solution. "We always knew Trump was a fighter, but this is taking it to a whole new level," Vince McMahon remarked. "If anyone can make law and order entertaining again, it's Trump."

Meanwhile, Alvin Bragg, who probably woke up expecting a normal day of legal paperwork and court hearings, was ambushed by reporters asking about the proposed cage match. "Uhhh... cluck?" was his bewildered response.

In the wake of Trump's unconventional proposal, the world of politics and law waits in suspense and amusement. Whether Trump and Bragg face-off in a WWE-style smackdown remains to be seen, but one thing is bigly certain: in the realm of Donald Trump, there is never a dull moment.