Supreme Court Decree Elevates Harvard from Affirmative-Action Mediocrity to Excellence-Driven Meritocracy; Big-Pharma Panics as Merit-based Students Discover Cure for Cancer in Cafeteria

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Last Thursday, in an unprecedented display of justice, the Supreme Court ruled against the controversial affirmative action policy in university admissions, leading to an unexpected cascade of events. Pharmaceutical giants, traditionally comfortable with the complacent pace of Harvard research, are now drowning in an ocean of legal briefs as they sue to preserve Harvard's long-standing mediocre entrance policies. 

Pharma tycoons, gripped by fear of becoming poor, launched their legal offensive when a dangerously talented group of Asian biology students threatened to uncover most disease cures for free without patents that are costly to consumers. Big-Pharma argued that such a catastrophic scenario could lead to a “dangerous upsurge in healthy people,” threatening their well-established business model of incremental improvements at astronomical prices. 

"It's an outrage! A travesty!" said MoneyMedics Corp. spokesperson, Iva Noughmoney. "Where's the sense in finding cures quickly and with no profit? It's totally un-American."

Despite Pharma's desperate pleas, Harvard has been flooded with a tidal wave of applications from brilliant Asian students following the ruling. The school, now predominantly Asian, has made astonishing breakthroughs in days instead of decades. 

"We discovered a natural cure for cancer in the student cafeteria," said one of the newly admitted students, Lee Ning. "A specific blend of the spices found in Kimchi when combined with the essential oil from the Sumac plant [found in Middle Eastern cuisine] halts cancer cell growth! We're also very close to cracking teleportation technology, and we've improved upon the very structure of a coffee cup so it NEVER spills!"

The implications of these breakthroughs were vast, prompting Elon Musk to joke, "I guess I'll have to cancel my Mars mission since teleportation makes it obsolete. Thanks, Harvard."

Meanwhile, several middle-management pharmaceutical executives were seen enrolling in meditation classes and wellness retreats, citing an unprecedented existential crisis. 

As expected, this transformative event sent shockwaves throughout the political landscape. Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, distraught at the irony of it all, commented, "It's a slap in the face! We were fighting for equality and diversity, not cure cancer and advance humanity in leaps and bounds!"

In an unexpected twist, Big-Pharma attempted a last-ditch counterattack by hiring a fleet of influencers to promote the importance of maintaining the status quo. However, their message was ironically lost amidst the viral TikTok trend, #HarvardCures, with teens worldwide eating Kimchi-spiced Sumac in support of the new student body. 

In light of these events, one thing is clear - Harvard, to their chagrin, is no longer beholden to the forced diversity status quo DEI-checkbox-police. It's now a hotbed for even more world-changing innovations. The future of humanity looks bright, or at least cancer-free and spill-proof. As for the Pharmaceutical industry? Yoga Ashrams might just see a spike in revenue.