Pretentious Proposal: To Pave Path to Peace, Putin and Zelensky Penises Must Play Piano in Partnership

OSLOW, NORWAY — Amid the ongoing conflict between Russia and Ukraine, the world-renowned Institute of Absolutely Foolproof International Relations (IAFIR) put forth an unusual peacemaking proposition to their standoff: a piano penis duet featuring none other than President Vladimir Putin and President Volodymyr Zelensky.

Having exhausted all conventional diplomatic channels and finding that chess games aren't as popular as they used to be, IAFIR has dared to think outside the pants, citing a precedent from Zelensky's past comedic career where he famously tickled the ivories with an unexpected body part. In a 2016 comedy sketch [video], President Zelensky, then a comedian, simulated playing a piano using his penis, provoking laughter and applause from an appreciative audience.

A spokesperson for IAFIR, Ima Nutskase, explained the theory behind the proposal. "We must consider the piano as a symbol of harmony and unity." With a hint of a smile, she continued, "A penis piano duet is the perfect representation of the laying down of swords. Plus, it’s guaranteed to get a laugh, and we all know that laughter is the best medicine."

Speculation about potential songs for the concert range from "War (What is it Good For)" to "Ebony and Ivory". The Moscow State Conservatory  offered a specifically designed, reinforced Faberge grand piano for the event. The Russian Ballet also graciously offered their expert 'package handlers' to ensure everything goes smoothly on 'play day'.

This audacious move has brought a fresh wave of global interest in the situation between Russia and Ukraine, and perhaps a mixture of fear and titillation pending the leaders' responses.

As for the people of Ukraine and Russia, they seem to be warming up to the idea. "If our leaders can keep their cool and handle their... 'instruments' under that kind of pressure, then surely, they can handle anything," remarked a Russian citizen, chuckling at the absurdity.

However, not everyone shares the sentiment. One Ukrainian tweeted, "I'd rather they play a board game. But if a penis duet is what it takes to end this war, then by all means, let them play till it falls off."

The international community, on the other hand, is baffled but mildly amused. In the words of UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, "In my entire career in diplomacy, I have seen many strange proposals. But a piano penis duet between Putin and Zelensky? That's... a new one. I suppose in the spirit of peace, we must keep an open mind."

While the world awaits the leaders' reactions to this ludicrous proposal, one can't help but consider that the key to peace may indeed be in their pants.