Cinderella's 666 Shades of Woke: The Mouse House Joins Satan's Trans-Brigade

ANAHEIM, CA — In a plot twist more dizzying than the teacup ride at Disneyland, and more confusing than Rapunzel's hair care routine, the formerly magical kingdom of Disney has decided to swap their tiara-topped princesses for pander-unbearable mascots. Disney is shape-shifting from a world of magic carpets and singing crustaceans to one where Pocahontas is a Two-Spirit gender-queer indigenous activist. The 'Happiest Place on Earth' is morphing into the 'Most-est Ultra-Wokest, Gender-fluid-est, Equity-spouting Wonderland on Earth'. To celebrate their pride-volution, Disney has introduced a new character that makes Joe Camel— the infamous Camel cigarettes' cartoonish mascot— seem as harmless as a bingo-playing grandpa in orthopedic Crocs.

Disney's top candidate for Ambassador of Gender Tolerance (double-speak for "groomer") is 'Lake', the so-called non-binary character from their latest Pixar film, "Elemental." However, despite the film’s calculated low-key gender-confusion indoctrination message, audiences seemed more "elusive" than "elemental." Lake failed to conscript infants and toddlers into the movie theater and the Alphabet-People's Army. Disney miscalculated the double-edged sword of marketing to kids who can't even pronounce the hard "r" in 'groomer'. The un-magical kingdom learned the hard way that you need to carefully match groomers to groomies. In Disney's fantastical universe, where every problem is solved with a song and a plucky sidekick, they are brainstorming innovative age-relevant LGBTQIA+ mascots for even newborns. Rumor has it that the studio's latest brainstorming session resulted in a flurry of contenders: 

  1. 'Binary Bob,' a penguin questioning its gender in the harsh but open Antarctic landscape.
  2. 'Sammy the Spectacular Sea Sponge,' an aquatic creature with no defined gender, imparting lessons of fluidity beneath the obviously fluid sea.
  3. 'Wendy the Wandering Wasp,' a bug bravely exploring its gender in the diverse prepubescent meadows of Neverland.

In the not-so-distant past, Disney lent its creativity and charm to create positive propaganda for the US government during World War II against Nazis. Today, the house that Walt built seems to have switched sides, creating propaganda for a different master some might call, 'the woke agenda', otherwise known as…Satan.

As Disney's script-spinners ditch conventional biological damsels for drag-queens and motor-mouthed woodland critters for literal gender-fluid fluids, one thing's for sure— their story-weaving department is undergoing a dramatic makeover that makes Cinderella's Fairy Godmother want to go non-fairy. Will it be a happy ending or a Brother's Grimm horror show? We're betting on a real-world Disney adaptation of the Babadook. Just look at Disney's cratering Disney+ subscriptions and stock price.