Heat Crisis Solves Homeless Crisis

Homless tents on an urban broken sidewalk. A woman lies in front of a tent.

LOS ANGELES, CA — As thermometers burst across the US, the scorching heat seems to have 'solved' homelessness in America's hottest and leftist cities. There are widespread reports that the homeless are "melting faster than ice cream in a microwave."

Los Angeles boutique kale juice vendor, Felicity Windchime observed, "It's almost as if Mother Nature executed her own urban renewal plan – literally executing the homeless. And fewer homeless means more space for my sidewalk yoga classes."

Conservative pundit Byron Featherstone commented "The Democrats yearned for a hands-off solution, and nature delivered. Albeit, in a somewhat...overcooked half-baked way."

Liberals have long disputed that drug addiction and mental illness are significant factors in homelessness. They now claim the heatwave proves their point: it's all about global warming. Dr. Lacy Pillo, renowned for her contentious research on 'Unhoused Migration Patterns and Climate Change Influence' authoritatively shook her fist and declared, "It's not drugs or schizophrenia. It's the CLIMATE and TRUMP! Orange man VERY BAD!" So, it must be true.

On a positive note, the smoldering weather ignited a fresh entrepreneurial spirit. Ex-panhandler Will Storm is now LA's top street innovator, launching 'DIY Shade Spots' – essentially renting a palm leaf for a breezy $99 per hour. "It's all organic," Storm boasts, "and the profits are funneled into my girlfriend's sidewalk yoga empire."

There are some who see even hotter opportunities. "The sidewalk real estate market is finally opening up…and with move-in ready tents and sleeping bags!" quipped property developer Max Profit. "Prime locations. Heat included."