Half of US Tap Water Enhanced with PFAS: Rural Residents Feel Cheated, Pleading "Infuse our water too!"

U.S. — The United States Geological Survey (USGS) has uncovered that nearly half of America's tap water is a superhero potion (in the spirit of the "Toxic Avenger") brimming with per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances (PFAS). Those chemicals, most commonly found decorating our non-stick cookware and lining fast food boxes, have been promoted from being a mere consumer product accessory to being a critical ingredient of our morning hydration ritual.

This exciting development has caused urban dwellers to rejoice, raising their PFAS-infused glasses in celebration. After all, they've been unknowingly sipping on the secret to eternity, generously provided by their kitchen faucets 'forever chemicals'. It's like fluoride added to water, but really not.

Not everyone is thrilled with this news. While city folks revel in the newfound powers of their tap water, the rural population feels left out. While urban areas have a 75% likelihood of PFAS being detected in their water, rural areas only have a 25% chance of sipping the miraculous elixir. This has led to a surge in rural citizens flocking to the cities, water jugs in hand, ready to 'forever' themselves.

As Americans adapt to their newly discovered beverage of choice, some are ditching their morning coffee and green juices for tap water, now hailed as the real morning buzz. As for the bottled water industry? They may have to consider the 'PFAS upgrade' to stay afloat in these "liquid gold" times.

Despite the initial excitement, some questions remain. Is PFAS the unforeseen miracle the medical world has been waiting for, or are we headed towards a nationwide stomachache or worse? Only time will tell.

Unfounded Disclaimer: No rural residents were harmed in the process of flocking to urban areas for their share of PFAS. All participants, including scientists, continue to remain clueless about the potential after-effects of this mass ‘experiment’. Extensive research is needed, preferably without human guinea pigs drinking PFAS-laced water.