Second Minnesota Police Dept. Hires Squirrel After Mass Resignation

A picture of a squirrel in a police hat in front of a rural police station.

GOODHUE, MN — Just a week after the Minneapolis Police Department made headlines by recruiting a squirrel, Goodhue hired its own furry vigilante: "Mr. Nibbles," the cousin of Minneapolis' "Mr. Nutters."

This literally wild initiative was announced at a press conference by the town's Mayor, Ellen Anderson Buck, who commented, "We saw Minneapolis' success with Mr. Nutters and thought, 'Why not? Real people don't want the job." She also announced an upcoming squirrel police academy for other towns facing similar issues.

While Mr. Nutters is a dedicated volunteer in Minneapolis, his cousin Mr. Nibbles expects compensation in the form of organic acorns and an occasional jar of sunflower butter – which is a lot cheaper than a human officer with a pension plan and dental benefits.

Goodhue resident and self-proclaimed squirrel whisperer Stanley Oaktree weighed in. "I've always said squirrels are more than just fluffy-tailed tree rats. Mr. Nibbles once stole a Snickers bar from my porch! Stealth and determination is exactly what we need!"

Not everyone shares Oaktree's enthusiasm. Clara Bushwick, a local baker, expressed doubts. "Why are my pies disappearing from my windowsill? I'm hoping it isn't our new deputy indulging in off-hours snacking." Mayor Buck reassured skeptics by pointing out Mr. Nibbles' advanced training in "Acorn Detection and Treetop Surveillance.”

There are rumors that Mr. Nibbles has a sweetheart in town: Ms. Fluffytail, a squirrel known for her intelligence and voluminous tail. Some say they've seen the two snacking sunflower seeds under the stars.

When pressed about this potentially distracting entanglement, Mayor Buck laughed. "If a squirrel romance keeps Mr. Nibbles nibbling at crime, then let him nibble at whatever else he wants!"

Replacing people with animals may be an even more effective solution than AI to combat labor shortages. Anonymous sources suggest that a neighboring town is negotiating with a beaver named "Mr. Gnaw" to handle infrastructure and damming.

Local resident, Gladys Pecanworth, shared, "I'm just waiting for them to replace the fire department with spraying skunks!"

Kudos to Mr. Nibbles and Mr. Nutters for climbing their way to success.