From Brunch to Bloodshed: FDA Declares a Nationwide Bagel Ban

SILVER SPRING, MD — In a shocking move that left breakfast tables across America reeling, the FDA has declared a crusade against the unsuspecting bagel, deeming it a national safety hazard. Citing an alarming spike in Bagel-related injuries (BRIs) - a staggering 11,463 last year alone - the regulatory body announced the immediate ban of bagels.

It appears that the wholesome, humble bagel has now turned rogue, claiming over 300 fingers in the past year through savage acts of amputation. Desperate cries of 'My finger!' have echoed through countless kitchens, as innocent Sunday brunches turn into blood-soaked horror shows.

Outraged Jewish communities nationwide are crying 'Foul!', labeling the ban an anti-Semitic conspiracy. "What are we supposed to put our lox on now? Matzah? That's just offensive and sacrilegious!" exclaimed one aggrieved Rabbi from New York.

Reports suggest the bagel menace intensifies with age, growing harder and unwieldy - their once soft rings transform into lethal, knife-slipping traps. In an effort to curb the escalating crisis, the FDA proposed the Bagel Safety Regulation Act. It mandates citizens to obtain a license for the purchase and cutting of bagels, and requires the use of specially-designed, FDA-approved 'Safety Bagel Cutters.' Moreover, the Act calls for bagel bakers to acquire a Hazardous Substance Vendor License to legally sell this risky doughy delight.

As the bagel debate continues to simmer, an alternative regulatory beacon of hope has emerged in the form of a proposal for age restrictions and taxation, much like those for tobacco and alcohol. While this not may prevent a single bagel-related injury, it could potentially raise billions of dollars in taxes - money that could then be funneled into more wasteful and nonsensical programs, as is American tradition.

In the meantime, citizens should avoid bagels at all costs. One official was quoted as saying, "Remember folks, it's not just a breakfast - it's a finger death trap. Don't let “the everything” seasoning fool you. Say no to the Bagel Butcher!"