Californians Ready to Riot! Newsom's Senate Pick Lacks Mandatory Victim Score

Laphonza Butler holding a sign "Love me for the victim I am!" Three other protesters with signs.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom's decision to fill the late Diane Feinstein’s senate seat with Laphonza Butler, a notably under-qualified candidate in the oppression Olympics, has led Californians to the brink of utter chaos. Butler, a Black, lesbian woman, and well-known “baby killer” as the president of EMILY’s List, barely checks off 3 victim statuses, thereby falling significantly short of the required minimum of 5 to adequately represent the folks of the Golden State in the Senate.

Palm Springs resident Chastity deLamp was flabbergasted: "I thought we were at least at a 4 status minimum by now. This is 2023, not the Dark Ages!" In a state known for its progressive appetite, citizens have quite reasonably expected that their representatives embody the most cross-sectional array of victim statuses possible. 

The outrage is palpable on the sun-kissed streets of California. One interviewee, Taylor McVoke, voiced their discontent: "We can't let her represent us without at least one disability and maybe an additional non-binary gender identity. She could’ve easily identified as a two-spirit furry! It's just unconscionable."

Toby Allhugger, an LA-based artist, lamented, "In addition to being a black lesbian, she could’ve been a furry vegan fairy and ticked all our boxes! This is a missed opportunity of epic proportions."

In stark contrast, critics point out that Butler’s predecessor, Dianne Feinstein, held a mere one victim privilege status, conveniently ignoring that it was negated by her possible Jewish identity, considered by many as an über-privileged class. Apologists argue that Feinstein was elected during a less enlightened era where one’s victim status was not the primary qualification for political office.

In an attempt to quell impending riots, Butler is considering hobbling herself. San Francisco resident and casual observer of politics, Blake Zinfandel, commended the notion: "If she throws in a disability, that’s like, 2 points right there. I’d totally support her then."

Right before rioting was to commence, Butler held an impromptu press conference in the heart of Los Angeles in front of a multi-colored mural of herself holding a sign reading "Love me for the victim I am!"

Choking back tears, she announced, "I've recently been self-diagnosed with Asperger's combined with early-onset dementia. That's got to count for something, right?"

The press room was engulfed in murmurs. That’s really 2.5 more victim statuses" a reporter was overheard saying.

Dolores Quibble, a retired school teacher from Sacramento, summed up the general sentiment: "I don't know whether to feel heartened, offended, validated, amused, or outraged. So, I'll just go with all of the above."