Fetterman to Go Naked in Senate in Response to Sloppy Dress Criticism

John Fetterman in a bathrobe with a pixelated crotch. Young people stare in horror. Background is the Capitol building.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) shocked no one by revealing the results of a groundbreaking study: wearing actual clothes instead of a potato sack increases perceived professionalism by 70%.

Dr. Carrie Threadmore, the CDC’s rarely-mentioned Director of Fabric and Textile Research, mused, "Our study conclusively shows that when a person wears more instead of less clothes it significantly amplifies their professional stature. For example, shoes, pants, and a collared shirt instead of wearing just a bathing suit. Groundbreaking, I know."

Senator John Fetterman of Pennsylvania, already a beacon of abhorrent attire with his "garbage can chic", became the poster child for the CDC's revelatory findings. Often seen channeling a look best described as "retired wrestler at a junkyard BBQ", Fetterman’s ensemble choices have created more ripples than a sumo wrestler cannonballing into a pool.

Rebecca Tailleur, D.C.’s self-appointed fashion guardian, lamented, “The Senate was once a bastion of tailored suits and low-key ties. Now, it feels like we're in the throes of a prolonged laundry day where Fetterman can’t find his 'good' shorts.”

Fetterman winked sinisterly and grunted, “Prepare America. Next week, I'm going full liberation mode: just my bathrobe...fully letting the breeze in. If you catch my drift.”

There was an audible gasp in the room. A fellow Senator interjected, "John, remember the Senate sits behind clear, glass tables."

Fetterman sputtered but shot back, "Well, I always said I stood for transparency in politics. I’m keeping my promise standing and sitting."

Hopeful Fetterman keeps his legs shut and gavel to himself.