Rapist Identifies as Gentleman, Expects Ladies to Agree

HARLOWTOWN, MA — Doug Brinley, a notorious repeat sex offender who served 12 years in prison for sexually assaulting an elderly woman, recently proclaimed himself to be a "gentleman." Brinley insisted that by mere identity, his sexual behavior should be viewed as chivalrous rather than lewd or criminal. Brinley not only demanded that women accept his definition of what a gentleman is, but that they also grant him access to their exclusive spaces so he can forcibly bestow chivalry on them. He argued, "Men pretending to be women already invade women's locker rooms and sororities. Why not a man with no pretense?"

Brinley crashed the ladies-only book club at the local library and announced, "Fear not! A man of manners is among you. See me not as a sick deviant pervert sex offender, but as the courteous gentleman I declare myself to be." Book club member Lisa Chen quipped, "If he's a 'gentleman', then I'm the zombie Queen of England.“ Visibly shaken book club president Sarah James remarked, "If that rapist can identify as 'whatever' then I can identify as a trigger-happy Glock 19 if he comes anywhere near me." 

When questioned, Brinley seemed genuinely baffled by the women's reactions, "What is a woman? What is a gentleman? It’s how you see yourself."

Law enforcement intervened when Brinley attempted to host an impromptu "Gentleman's Etiquette" workshop for women at the 12th Street YWCA. Officer Daniels stated, "We escorted him out of the building and are keeping a close eye on the situation." Brinley retorted, “I was only trying to teach those bitches, I mean ladies, how to recognize a true gentleman."

The women of Harlowtown are currently petitioning town hall for clear guidelines that protect the sanctity of traditional women's-only spaces.