Cult Member Grant Cardone Sues for Being Undervalued, Claims He's Worth More Than Xenu!

Grant Cardone next to Xenu at an intergalactic tribunal.

HIGH COURT, GALACTIC CONFEDERACY Real estate mogul, internet sensation, and Scientology cult member Grant Cardone filed a lawsuit that's out of this world – quite literally. Cardone, known for his extravagant lifestyle and the best-selling book “The 10X Rule,” is now embroiled in a legal battle that’s one for the stars. He claims he’s been grossly undervalued, insisting he’s worth gazillions more than the intergalactic ruler Xenu.

The lawsuit, filed in the High Galactic Court, targets former T-Mobile CEO John Legere, who recently labeled Cardone a "bulls–t artist" and a “con man”. In an unprecedented move, Cardone is not just seeking monetary damages but also formal recognition of his cosmic worth and ability to astrally project at will.

"As a 27th-level OT Scientologist, I've been to more planets and dimensions than NASA without physically leaving Earth," declared Cardone in a press statement. "My net worth transcends human measure. Next to me, Xenu is just a low-budget sci-fi character." Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson has been solicited to provide expert testimony on the astronomical value of Cardone's assets and his alleged "thetan journeys".

The legal documents, filled with astrological charts and alien signatures, have left many experts scratching their heads. Legal analyst Barry Jokester commented, “This is either a groundbreaking case or the plot of a bad L. Ron Hubbard space opera.”

The suit also includes testimony from intergalactic beings. Zorgblatt, a self-proclaimed Martian entrepreneur, stated, “On Mars, Grant's 10X rule is considered more influential than our Martian Magna Carta.” A holographic entity named Xylo Blipblorp, dissented, “We have monitored Earth for eons. Never have we seen such an inflated ego as this Grant Cardone. Not even Xenu dared such audacity.”

UFO enthusiasts are camped outside the courthouse hoping for a glimpse of a rumored star witness -- Xenu himself. In response, publicity-shy Xenu issued a statement through his spokesperson, Glorgon the Nebulous: “I have no interest in Earthly legal matters...although, Grant's insolence warrants him being frozen and dropped into a volcano.”

Legere, unfazed by the extraterrestrial elements of the case, responded with his usual flair. “Grant might as well sue the Tooth Fairy for not leaving enough under his pillow,” he quipped during a recent Clubhouse chat.

Adding to the spectacle, Cardone announced plans to livestream the trial across the multiverse. “This is bigger than the Super Bowl,” he boasted. “This is bigger than Tom Cruise, David Miscavige, and the resurrection of L. Ron Hubbard...COMBINED!”

Fellow cult members John Travolta and Tom Cruise issued scathing rebukes of Cardone's decision to expose Scientology's inner-most revenue generating secrets.

Travolta stated, “What Grant is doing is beyond irresponsible. It's like he's broadcasting a level 16 Scientology class to the whole galaxy. What are morons...I mean 'worshipers' going to pay for if he gives away the bullshit...I mean 'knowledge' of Xenu and body thetans for free?”

Tom Cruise was even more direct. “This is a mockery of our faith. Grant’s actions are reckless and disrespectful. He's jeopardizing my legion of Sea Org slaves with the truth.”

In an unforeseen conclusion to the saga, a surprise alien witness resembling a platypus and a bowl of jello took the stand. It declared, “In the name of interstellar peace, we offer Grant Cardone honorary citizenship of the Andromeda Galaxy. Release your thetan from your simian body and join us!”