ASHLAND, OR — The last known person in America to wear a face mask has finally contracted the coronavirus after sneezing on himself. Harold "Halitosis Harry" Mulligan, a longtime "sextuple-boosted” germaphobe, was doggedly donning not one, not two, but three face masks anytime he stepped…
LOS, ANGELES, CA — BicepBarn Gym recently replaced its spinning room with a unicycling track. Not aerobic 'air leg' unicycling, actual unicycling – with unicycles – the single-wheeler more often associated with a circus than a fitness center. "Spin cycling is so last year," stated…
JAMAICA PLAIN, MA — A recent study has shown that plants may indeed feel pain. This discovery profoundly affects 'ethical' vegans who refuse to cause any distress to living things. They're turning over a new leaf, and photosynthesis is the new dish of the day.
ST. LOUIS, MO — As paraphrased by the great modern philosopher Justin Bieber, “Sometimes it's too late to say sorry”. Or, maybe not. Beer titan Anheuser-Busch (AB) finally conceded that the 'customer is always right'. After losing tens of billions of dollars in value after…
ELIZABETHTOWN, NJ — In an incident that has left onlookers bemused and befuddled, a routine car wash turned into the stage for a debate on racial identity and car cleanliness. At the heart of this soapy saga is Montgomery “Jamal” Jones, a transracial individual who,…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The San Francisco City Council passed a revolutionary bill dubbed the "Progressive Property Redistribution Act (PPRA)," making it obligatory for residents to participate in theft activities at least once a week. The new policy cements the city's avant-garde status in embracing…
CHICAGO, IL — In an unprecedented move that bewildered the global soccer community, star player of the US Women’s National Team, Megan Rapinoe confirmed rumors circulating that she was born "Mack Rapinoe”, a man. The shocking revelation occurred during a recent interview with Time Magazine,…
SILVER SPRING, MD — In a shocking move that left breakfast tables across America reeling, the FDA has declared a crusade against the unsuspecting bagel, deeming it a national safety hazard. Citing an alarming spike in Bagel-related injuries (BRIs) - a staggering 11,463 last year…
LOS ANGELES, CA — Hollywood, the land of dreams, where anything from a superhero slugfest to a heartbreaking romance can become a multimillion-dollar extravaganza, is about to enter uncharted territory. Recent box office failures have sent Tinseltown's glitterati scrambling for fresh ideas that aren't weighed…
