Adolfa Uprising: Trans-Führer Resurrected, Takes 'Pride' in Rainbow Reich 2.0

SEATTLE, WA — In an event stranger than science fiction, Hitler, the poster boy for evil, has made a dramatic comeback! Thanks to a group of mad Dr. Frankensteinian scientists (who were clearly scraping the bottom of the 'Ideas for World Domination' barrel), the dictator has risen from the grave. But instead of spouting Nazi propaganda, he's goose-stepping under an even more Socialist and colorful banner.

How did this historical freak show unfold? A motley crew of scientists from the 'The Social Justice Necromancy Institute for Quantum-Resurrected Multiverse Inclusivity and Temporally Unbound Societal Harmonization, Proactively Advocating for Interdimensional Redemption and Rehabilitation of the Morally and Respirationally Challenged' kick-started a project aptly codenamed 'Nightmare Fuel.' Their collective dream, woke in every sense of the word, was to demonstrate the bewildering power of their 'Resurrection Ray.' Having faced the veto hammer on their proposals to resuscitate the likes of Stalin, Pol Pot, and Nickelback's ill-fated musical legacy, they decided to awaken a truly first-rate despot, the GOAT of tyranny and malevolence – Adolf Hitler. Their twisted rationale? "If we can orchestrate a public redemption arc for Hitler, surely they can overlook the disaster that was the last 'Transformers' movie, right?"

Upon resurrection and binge-watching Netflix and Disney+, Hitler quickly realized that world domination needed a 21st-century makeover. Faster than you can say 'schnell,' he swapped his brownshirt for a rainbow flag and emerged as 'Adolfa,' a 'proud blackish three-spirit penta-morphic lesbian non-binary rodent furry' ready to conquer not just nations, but hearts and minds.

Ever the savvy politician, Adolfa realized she needed a brand-new scapegoat for her grand plans. Stumbling on a BLM love-fest documentary on CNN, 'Hateler' found her scapegoat in the unsuspecting Caucasians, a group that, following the BLM playbook, ironically includes Asians and Hispanics. Adolfa vocalized her approval: "Our enemies aren't just white; they're shades of beige, eggshell, and ecru! The more alabaster-spectrumed crayons we melt in the 'Colors of the World' Crayola box the merrier!"

Once a dictator, always a dictator, and Adolfa's true intent wasn't hidden for long. From her uber-woke pedestal, she shamelessly performed an LGBQTIA+ allyship gesture (actually a limp-wristed Nazi salute) and proclaimed, "The only true path to equality is to crumble all the oppressive Crackers!" Deftly repackaging her old dictator spiel, Adolfa managed to stir up the same fervor, this time amongst the wokesters.

In a twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan proud, the dicta-diva revealed her endgame. With a smug smirk, Hateler declared, "Once we've eradicated all the privileged Whities, we'll finally achieve true equity and... I’ll take my rightful place as your undying Femme Fatale Führer!" Adolfa then did a mic drop and blitzkrieg babbled, "One thousand years of queerdom!!! One thousand years of queerdom!!!"

What was worse was the cheer from the crowd. It appears that the same liberals who'd lead the charge against universal oppression applauded Adolfa's march towards an Animal Farm-like autocracy. They seemed eager to welcome their new overlord, clearly forgetting Orwell's power of prophecy - 'All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others' - especially when they strut in sequined horsehide jackboots. 

As we pinch ourselves to see if this is some LSD-laced dream, Adolfa leaves us with a chilling quote, "Remember, darlings, today's freedom fighter is tomorrow's dictator. Now, let's go cancel some Honkies, shall we?"