Survey Shocker: Nearly All Women Pondering Abortion Glad They Weren’t Aborted Themselves

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pew Research Center recently released the results of an unparalleled study that surveyed 5,000 women contemplating the idea of abortion. In a mind-blowing revelation, 99.99% conceded that they were quite pleased that their own mothers didn't abort them.

The study, aptly named "Existential Epiphany", is being lauded as the most significant contribution to science since the day someone discovered fire is hot.

"Incredibly enlightening," mused Dr. Serendipiti Sarcasma, director of the Institute for Astonishingly Apparent Affairs at the University of Unsurprising Discoveries. "It's as revealing as the fact that most people are not keen on being punched in the face."

The reactions from the participants were equally stupefying. One participant, Cassandra Kluless, candidly shared, "I'm considering an abortion right now, but it’s true that I'd prefer not to have been aborted. I mean, uh, like, I do enjoy existing."

Not content with just this revelation, Pew researchers pressed forward, asking these same women to ponder what their unborn offspring might think of the prospect of their non-existence.

Amanda Awkward, another participant, said, "I never really thought about it. Maybe I should? I suppose my unborn kid might not be too thrilled about being aborted. I mean, they might want to see what the fuss is about this thing called life. But, it’s not like I can ask them. Or can I?"

As the dust settled on the study’s mind-bending revelation, a familiar face stepped into the spotlight to dust-up the findings. Dr. Anthony Fauci, former Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, known best for his ability to contradict himself faster than a hummingbird flaps its wings, had some qualms.

"I believe there's been a gross oversight in this study," began Dr. Fauci, presumably while simultaneously affirming and disavowing his own statement. "From my decades-long experience in virology, I can tell you that it's likely these women would be perfectly comfortable with non-existence. Also, my gut tells me that unborn children are fundamentally altruistic and would willingly choose non-existence if it meant their potential moms would be happier."

In fact, anecdotally one anonymous possibly disturbed person validated this claim by stating, "Some days I wish my mom would have aborted me and I would have no problem with it if it meant that her life was better." (yikes)

Amanda Awkvard, a participant in the study, responded, "Uh, last time I checked, Dr. Fauci wasn’t a woman considering an abortion or an unborn baby. Is he a mind reader?"

But Fauci was unphased. "Trust me, I'm a doctor. I am the science. I AM SCIENCE!" he thundered while striking a heroic pose as the wind seemed to mysteriously blow through his hair in his air-conditioned home office. "I mean, who are you going to believe, a large group of women contemplating a life-changing decision or a life-long bureaucrat in Washington?”

With scholars all over the world scurrying to validate the Pew findings, Pew is planning several other radical studies. Such as whether birds prefer flying to walking and whether people prefer ice cream to a kick in the pants.

As we continue our quest to uncover the utterly obvious to those that are sane, stay tuned to JestWire, where we also ask hard questions, like "Does a bear use WiFi in the woods?", "Do politicians speak before they think?" and "Is there an existential crisis in the Lego community about being 'just another brick in the wall'?"