NYC Solves Migrant Crisis With Unlimited Free Tickets to Broadway Shows

MANHATTAN, NY — At a recent gala fundraiser promoting eco-friendly edible Playbills, NYC Mayor Eric Adams declared that Broadway theaters are the solution to New York City's migrant crisis. “This [migrant] issue will destroy New York City,” Adams stated with fervor. "So why not sing and dance our problems away?"

In a series of secret strategizing sessions, a singular solution sparked: rotate large groups of migrants across all the glittering Broadway stages with 24/7 non-stop live shows. "Not only do we tackle the housing crisis," Adams said, adjusting his newly acquired Phantom of the Opera mask, "but we give them the magic of theater! And, let's not forget they can eat their vitamin-fortified vegan low-cal Playbill!"

José Martínez, a recent arrival from Mexico, jubilantly shared, "¡He visto 'The Lion King' 37 veces y ya sé todas las palabras! Espero ser el suplente de Simba, aunque no sé lo que estoy cantando!" (I've watched 'The Lion King' 37 times and I know all the words! I hope to be Simba's understudy, even though I have no idea what I'm singing!)

Meanwhile, María Fernandez was seen ecstatically twirling outside the theater after her 12th viewing of "Wicked." "¡Soy básicamente Elphaba ahora, sin el canto!" she exclaimed. (I'm basically Elphaba now, minus the singing!)

Jorge Gonzalez voiced his acting aspirations after watching "Hamilton" back-to-back, "Hamilton es mexicano, yo soy mexicano. ¿Por qué no?" (Hamilton's Mexican, I'm Mexican. Why not?)

Critics argue that the price of keeping Broadway's lights on far surpasses the cost of the migrant crisis. When presented with this point, Mayor Adams confidently responded, "Art is priceless. And hey, we're giving 'Chicago' the biggest audience it’s had in years!"

However, not all migrants were thrilled. Carlos Ramirez lamented, “Vine aquí buscando una vida mejor y terminé viendo 'Back to the Future' cinco veces seguidas. Quiero mi Delorean y viajar atrás en el tiempo para repensarlo." (I came here seeking a better life and ended up watching 'Back to the Future' five times in a row. I want my Delorean to travel back in time and rethink it.)

In a twist straight out of a Broadway plot, migrants snatched up every role in every theater production. Instead of belting out tunes on the big stage, American Broadway stars are busking in Central Park in front of bums on benches. Some speculate this crisis was purposely created to flood Broadway with cheap Mexican actors. On the plus side, it was reported that a migrant-led, Spanish-language version of “The Book of Mormon” had audiences rolling in the aisles.

When reached for final comment, Mayor Adams, sporting a sequined jacket from "Moulin Rouge! The Musical," expressed optimism. “Broadway is the beating heart of New York! Why shouldn’t it be the solution to our most pressing problem? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an audition as an understudy for 'MJ'. Moonwalking baby!"