Los Angeles Battles Flash Mob Theft Epidemic with Hugs and Cookies
LOS ANGLES, CA — Following a series of flash mob thefts plaguing the City of Angels, Mayor Karen “Huggins” Bass announced her novel solution: “Criminals, Cookies, and Cuddles”. Instead of arraignment, a thief will be ushered directly to Huggins for snack time, a hug, and the motherly reprimand “Momma bear loves you!”
“Some people think the cause of crime is that we don’t punish it. The real problem is a lack of chewy chocolatey goodness and huggles,” Mayor Huggins declared.
Dr. Bethany Spiritmender, a leading woke behavioral psychologist specializing in dreamcatchers and healing crystals, supports the mayor's revolutionary program. "It's simple," Dr. BS said, adjusting her ethereal aura. "These individuals might steal and commit the occasional rape, but they're just misguided. Their true crime? They never got sent to the principal's office. They need a timeout, not time in jail."
Betty-Ann Pritchett, a local shop owner still reeling from a recent flash mob incident, tried to stay positive. “If the mayor believes this will work, I'll bake the cookies myself. Though they'll be cruelty-free. Maybe that will add an extra layer of deterrence."
The policy is working better than expected. Cookie Monster from Sesame Street turned himself in at a local precinct. "Me hear about cookie policy," he growled with cookie crumbs flying. "Me no shoplift cookies. Me eat cookies for free! Also, a stern talk from Mayor? Me think me need that."
As the sun sets over Los Angeles with the scent of baked goods wafting through City Hall, one can only naively hope Mayor Huggins' snowflake methods will prove effective. For now, her office has been swamped with requests for cookie recipes.
