Lizzo Chases Banana Demons in Bizarre Weight Loss Ritual

AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS — Famed singer Lizzo, known for fat positivity anthems embracing her obesity, took her love for bananas in an unexpected direction. Her backup dancers accused her of forcing them to participate in lewd acts with the elongated yellow fruit. 

According to a lawsuit filed by the dancers, bananas were the main ingredient to Lizzo's weight loss strategy – but not for eating. The plan was to stop Lizzo's banana binges by making them 'un-a-peeling'.

The lawsuit alleges that the singer encouraged her dancers to eat bananas protruding from strip club performers' vaginas during an 'after-work' event. An even more horrifying allegation was confessed by a former member of Lizzo's team: "She made us do a sketch where we chased around a dancer dressed as a banana."

These bizarre events were apparently intended to make bananas so repugnant to Lizzo that she would stop consuming them entirely.

Lizzo is also accused of creating a hostile work environment by body shaming her dancers. However, were these ‘shaming sessions’ part of an elaborate ‘Banana Bootcamp’?

“Every time we got caught eating a banana,” shared one dancer, “Lizzo would make us do the ‘peel and squat’ routine in front of everyone. It was mortifying, but admittedly, my thighs have never looked better." 

Renowned food therapist Frank Phrute ranted the following unsolicited fruity advice on his blog: "I've dealt with fruit obsession for years. This is a classic case of repulsion therapy gone wrong. I recommend a humbler and gentler approach. Lizzo must directly confront her dietary demons in a sit-down conversation with her banana perpetrator. The banana just needs to listen as Lizzo expresses her feelings and personal truth."

While Lizzo's intentions to lose weight and break her banana habit are commendable, the singer may have slipped up. But one thing is certain for Lizzo: The banana has truly split.