Gaseous Assault on Climate Hoaxers, Flat-Earthers Answer with Defecatory Defiance
NEW YORK, NY — Doug Dechert, a former gossip columnist, has never been one to hold his opinions back, or his farts. In an explosive anal rebuttal to climate change alarmists, Dechert protested by emitting manly methane, an action he claims was as harmless as a cow's emissions.
The biohazard blowout took place during a dinner for Robert F. Kennedy Jr., where Dechert unabashedly called climate change a "hoax". Eyewitnesses recounted Dechert saying, “This is for the climate hoax scam nonsense," before releasing a fart so potent it could have burned a hole in the ozone layer.
However, in a bizarre twist of events, the 'fart heard around the world' inspired a faction of scientific skeptics – the Flat Earth Fundamentalists, whose members are known as ‘FEFers’. Filled with newfound enthusiasm and a shared passion for publicizing that the planet is a pancake, a dozen members took their protests to NASA headquarters.
Led by their fearless leader, Bartholomew Bottomley, they dropped their drawers and defecated in unison, shouting the chant, "Our shit is real, your globe's a lie, we'll soil your steps 'til you comply!" The spectacle was quite a sight, according to passing pedestrians, many of whom were perplexed about the environmental stand these fecal-firing flat-earthers were taking.
Bartholomew Bottomley, renowned for his controversial belief that the world is a map not a globe, stated in an interview, "It’s hard getting your message out. Poop, not so much.”
The irony of this flatulent fiasco? While Dechert’s gassy guffaw and the flat earthers’ defecatory demonstration were initially met with horror and nose-plugging, it seems the air has cleared, and the tides have turned in their favor.
In a surprising development, these protest methods have gained traction in conservative circles who are fed up being told what to believe by self-proclaimed 'climate experts'. At the very least, they have found an effective, albeit humorous way to blow off steam - or more accurately, gas.
The Atmospheric Truth Society, a right-wing climate think tank, coronated Dechert as 'King of the Climate', his throne being a porcelain one. The FEFers are squatting strong, reminding us that giving is better than receiving.
In the words of Bartholomew Bottomley, "At the end of the day, we might not be able to shift the axis of the Earth, but we can still shift our bowels."
