Disney's Brave New Transtopia: A Non-Magic Kingdom Where Every Day's a Woke Wonderland

ANAHEIM, CA — Disney, the stalwart symbol of childhood innocence and wholesome family values, has recently embraced a radically inclusive new identity strategy that makes subtextual lesbian plot twists in Frozen look tame. With its amusement parks transforming into body-positive nudist resorts, its cartoon characters breaking free of gender constraints, and its merchandise displaying a rainbow of identities, the House of Mouse is truly rewriting its own fairy tale.

Disney hasn't stopped at just LGBTQIA+ representation. They've boldly ventured into body positivity, turning "it's a small world" into "it's a big, body-positive world." Visitors can now enjoy images of obese Ariel swimming around majestically and Belle breaking not just gender norms, but size norms, too, as she dances with a demure de-clawed cuckold Beast. 

Disney is also pioneering transracial representation, rolling out characters who identify with a different race than their own. "Mulan, for instance, now identifies as a Russian Cossack. It's all about embracing your inner identity and personal truth, even if it does not match your appearance," explained Disney’s Director of Transracial Storytelling, Zara Blurredlines.

Perhaps the most audacious move of all is Disney's creation of the "Happily Ever Your-Choice Center," a kid-friendly zone dedicated to educating children aged 2 to 7 about gender-affirming surgeries and puberty blockers. The center, staffed by saccharinely cute and overly friendly animatronic cartoonish doctors, aims to promote understanding of these complex topics through colorful, musical performances. 

Disney's radical rebranding has certainly sparked controversy, with some traditionalists longing for the good old days of predictable princesses and simple fairy tales. But for many, Disney's brave new world is a welcome, affirming experience.

"I used to think I was the only one," said one attendee, a privileged blonde-haired blue-eyed white male who identifies as an Asian non-binary pansexual Wolfarian, "But seeing Cinderella dressed as a Samoan warrior really validates my experiences."

Meanwhile, a large sign at the entrance of Disney’s Epcot Center now reads: “Here, everyone is welcome. No matter your size, gender, race, or even species you think you should've been.”

It seems the reinvented Disney is bidding adieu to its "happiest place on Earth" tagline for "wokest realm in the galaxy." Mickey Mouse might just need to trade his classic red shorts for a Skittles-colored pair!