Zombie Outbreak in Remote Alaska Mistaken for Insomnia

FROSTY FALLS, AK — Health officials in the remote wilderness small town of Frosty Falls Alaska found themselves in a surreal predicament when what they believed to be an insomnia social contagion epidemic turned out to be something from a George Romero film.

Dr. Irma Chiller, a leading epidemiologist, was the first to raise the alarm when a number of patients presented symptoms that seemed to align with severe insomnia. 

Mort Graves and his wife Dawn were quickly quarantined in a local hospital. Dawn stated, "We thought it was food poisoning keeping Mort awake. He had just eaten a foul-smelling tuna sandwich."

Things got weird, fast. Dr. Chiller elaborated,  "I knew it was bad when my patients became pale and unresponsive and sleep-walking with their arms outstretched." Nurse Holly Shooter added, "I thought it was a side effect of medication…until they started moaning about brains.” 

The situation escalated when Mort Graves bit the hospital janitor. "I've been bitten by patients before," said janitor Jim Javelin. "But this is the first time one tried to eat my brain."

Health officials revealed that the "insomnia outbreak" was in fact a full-blown zombie apocalypse. While initially embarrassed, they quickly jumped into action. "We switched from insomnia sleep aids to shotguns," Dr. Chiller said. "It's been a bang-up day."

As for the Graves couple, they're adjusting to their new undead lifestyle. "It's not so bad," Dawn said. "We like our steaks raw instead of rare and also started a zombie support group. We meet in the mortuary on Mondays."

In the end, health officials learned a valuable lesson: always check for a pulse. And perhaps keep a snow shovel handy, just in case.