Trans Temptress Graces Sports Illustrated: Straight Men Rebuked for Lack of Enthusiasm

A buff man in a pink bikini.

NEW YORK, NY — Subscribers of the most recent Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition are still feeling discombobulated with their latest cover model, the narcissistically audacious "trans woman", Bella ‘Stiff n’ Ready’ Buxom. However, a surprising side effect of Bella's debut has been the wave of criticism aimed squarely at the magazine’s core demographic - young, heterosexual men.

Bella, who thanks to transphobia, could give any supermodel a run for her money, has proven that being a biological male isn’t a barrier when it comes to being a competitive woman. From winning beauty pageants against biological women to now making a splash on Sports Illustrated, Bella's success is a testament to the ultra-progressive "it's all about me, me, me and my truth" generation. But the 'progress' seems to be hitting a bit of a speed bump, courtesy of straight men’s… well, let's call it a 'lack of rise' to the occasion.

In a bizarre twist, the absence of physical arousal in most men while looking at Bella's Sports Illustrated cover has become the topic of heated debate. Straight men are under a magnifying glass, or at least one part of them, with critics accusing them of upholding 'cis-normative standards of attraction' and being unwilling to explore beyond their comfort zones.

One critic, a gender studies professor known for her forward-thinking views, shared her disappointment. "It's high time men accept that femininity comes in all shapes, sizes, and anatomies. A refusal to be turned on by a woman just because she comes with a little extra 'package' is nothing short of bigotry," she declared, while doodling a crude sketch of man-junk as part of a "Sex Ed for Bigots" workshop. Dr. No-Nuts, then asserted her expertise in "Intersectional Feminist Discourses in Primate Ethology with Emphasis on the Indigenous Simian Queer Experiences" by authoritatively slamming the podium with her fist and proclaiming, "It's all in your mind. You decide who you are attracted to".

To make matters more...interesting, heterosexual men are also being criticized for their apparent reluctance to date trans women. "It's time straight men go a little crooked and broaden their romantic horizons beyond the outdated binary. Love is love, and a penis, be it on a woman or a man, should not be a deal-breaker," the professor continued, seemingly unconcerned with the collective squirming of her captive audience. "These cis-men should overcome their phallus-phobia. After all, isn’t it what's inside that counts?" she declared, before pausing to stifle a giggle at her own unintentionally ironic double entendre.

Caught between the chastising tweets of social justice warriors and the stubborn refusal of their own trouser snakes, the befuddled hetero-bros of our era find themselves in quite a pickle with their pickles. The world watches with bated breath, waiting to see if this ends with a bang or a whimper. And by bang, of course, we're referring to the entire collapse of civilization (which may be a great thing if you're a nihilist). As for the whimper and perhaps a few tear-stained cheeks (maybe hairy male butt-cheeks?)...we'll reserve that spectacle and a box of tissues for straight male cuckolds who cave under the onslaught of horny trans-bullies – finding themselves coercively playing a different game of pool – with a set of balls they'd never anticipated.