MANHATTAN, NY — At a recent gala fundraiser promoting eco-friendly edible Playbills, NYC Mayor Eric Adams declared that Broadway theaters are the solution to New York City's migrant crisis. “This [migrant] issue will destroy New York City,” Adams stated with fervor. "So why not sing…
HARLOWTOWN, MA — Doug Brinley, a notorious repeat sex offender who served 12 years in prison for sexually assaulting an elderly woman, recently proclaimed himself to be a "gentleman." Brinley insisted that by mere identity, his sexual behavior should be viewed as chivalrous rather than…
WASHINGTON D.C. — Former President Donald Trump's federal criminal trial has been scheduled for March 4, 2024 – a day before Super Tuesday. Suspiciously, it’s also the same day Trump’s new courtroom-themed reality show airs: "The Apprentice: Courtroom Edition". The show will transform the trial…
WASHINGTON D.C. — In an unprecedented, zoopolitical move, elephants are identifying as donkeys to evade Democrat political persecution and gain acceptance in blue-leaning pastures. Elephants, known for their prodigious memories and intelligence, have long been the symbol of the Republican Party. However, recent disturbing events…
MILWAUKEE, WI — After weeks of jabs from opponents labeling presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy "ChatGPT", Vivek declared at a campaign rally in Tulsa that he is in fact ChatGPT in an android body. The political sphere has been filled with speculation ever since an unidentified…
GLENDALE, CA — Notorious pervert Sonny Sniffton once again received a mere tap on the nose after his 40th arrest for sniffing women without consent: community service at a women's shelter. When interviewed about how he avoids justice (like a long prison sentence with a…
BAJA, CA — Former Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton seized the opportunity to exploit her shared namesake with Hurricane Hilary. Ms. Clinton, husband Bill, and a crew of geriatric groupies ventured to the eye of the storm to announce her 2024 presidential run. As a Baptist…
LOS ANGLES, CA — Following a series of flash mob thefts plaguing the City of Angels, Mayor Karen “Huggins” Bass announced her novel solution: “Criminals, Cookies, and Cuddles”. Instead of arraignment, a thief will be ushered directly to Huggins for snack time, a hug, and…
OTTAWA, CANADA — Known for its commitment to personal autonomy, Canada has leaped off the cliff of assisted suicide to the precipice of self-disassembly. In what can only be described as "cutting-edge" policy, Canada's newly announced "One Slice at a Time" plan (which sounds like…
GOODHUE, MN — Just a week after the Minneapolis Police Department made headlines by recruiting a squirrel, Goodhue hired its own furry vigilante: "Mr. Nibbles," the cousin of Minneapolis' "Mr. Nutters." This literally wild initiative was announced at a press conference by the town's Mayor,…
