JAMAICA PLAIN, MA — A recent study has shown that plants may indeed feel pain. This discovery profoundly affects 'ethical' vegans who refuse to cause any distress to living things. They're turning over a new leaf, and photosynthesis is the new dish of the day.
BERLIN, GERMANY — At the international medical conference of "How to Get Rich Doing Unnecessary and Harmful Medical Procedures", they announced the cancellation of their old idol, Hippocrates, for the somewhat less esteemed, yet surprisingly lucrative, Dr. Josef Mengele. Freshly leaked documents reveal that Mengele,…
SILVER SPRING, MD — In a shocking move that left breakfast tables across America reeling, the FDA has declared a crusade against the unsuspecting bagel, deeming it a national safety hazard. Citing an alarming spike in Bagel-related injuries (BRIs) - a staggering 11,463 last year…
U.S. — The United States Geological Survey (USGS) has uncovered that nearly half of America's tap water is a superhero potion (in the spirit of the "Toxic Avenger") brimming with per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances (PFAS). Those chemicals, most commonly found decorating our non-stick cookware and…
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a series of events that would make even the most seasoned gynecologist spit out their morning coffee, Jane Doe, a 30-year-old woman, recently visited her OB-GYN for a routine ultrasound. The expecting mother, contemplating whether she should continue her pregnancy,…
