SEATTLE, WA — Taking a cue from sexuality expert Deanne Carson’s recent controversial advice on seeking infant consent for diaper changes, tech-savvy and exceedingly conscientious parents are now awaiting digital thumbprint consent from their babies before approaching the changing table. Parents Claudia and Rainbow Spectrum-Bliss,…
GREENWICH, CT — A tempestuously tubular evening took an unexpected chromatic twist for the Thompsons, a married couple from the tranquil confines of Wisteria Lane. A lingering domestic disagreement surrounding conjugal duties led to an incident that was anything but domestic or agreeable. Gary Thompson,…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pew Research Center recently released the results of an unparalleled study that surveyed 5,000 women contemplating the idea of abortion. In a mind-blowing revelation, 99.99% conceded that they were quite pleased that their own mothers didn't abort them. The study, aptly…
OTTAWA, CANADA — Known for its commitment to personal autonomy, Canada has leaped off the cliff of assisted suicide to the precipice of self-disassembly. In what can only be described as "cutting-edge" policy, Canada's newly announced "One Slice at a Time" plan (which sounds like…
AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS — Famed singer Lizzo, known for fat positivity anthems embracing her obesity, took her love for bananas in an unexpected direction. Her backup dancers accused her of forcing them to participate in lewd acts with the elongated yellow fruit. According to a lawsuit…
FROSTY FALLS, AK — Health officials in the remote wilderness small town of Frosty Falls Alaska found themselves in a surreal predicament when what they believed to be an insomnia social contagion epidemic turned out to be something from a George Romero film. Dr. Irma…
In a turn of events that would make Lorena Bobbitt raise an eyebrow, a domestic spat between renowned transgender surgeon Dr. Leslie “Precision” Perkins and her partner Melissa “Unsuspecting” Underwood took an unbelievable turn last night. It started on a quiet Tuesday evening in the couple's…
ASHLAND, OR — The last known person in America to wear a face mask has finally contracted the coronavirus after sneezing on himself. Harold "Halitosis Harry" Mulligan, a longtime "sextuple-boosted” germaphobe, was doggedly donning not one, not two, but three face masks anytime he stepped…
ANN ARBOR, MI — In an audacious scheme to address rampant water wastage at home, local father and self-proclaimed water warrior, Bob "Water Wrangler" McAllister, took the fight against long hot showers and reckless toilet flushing to an unprecedented level. Armed with a shovel, some…
LOS, ANGELES, CA — BicepBarn Gym recently replaced its spinning room with a unicycling track. Not aerobic 'air leg' unicycling, actual unicycling – with unicycles – the single-wheeler more often associated with a circus than a fitness center. "Spin cycling is so last year," stated…
