Business

Anheuser-Busch to Apologize for Bud Light Fiasco

ST. LOUIS, MO — As paraphrased by the great modern philosopher Justin Bieber, “Sometimes it's too late to say sorry”. Or, maybe not. Beer titan Anheuser-Busch (AB) finally conceded that the 'customer is always right'. After losing tens of billions of dollars in value after…

Supreme Court Decree Elevates Harvard from Affirmative-Action Mediocrity to Excellence-Driven Meritocracy; Big-Pharma Panics as Merit-based Students Discover Cure for Cancer in Cafeteria

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Last Thursday, in an unprecedented display of justice, the Supreme Court ruled against the controversial affirmative action policy in university admissions, leading to an unexpected cascade of events. Pharmaceutical giants, traditionally comfortable with the complacent pace of Harvard research, are now drowning…