Plants Feel Pain: Photosynthesis on the Menu for ‘Ethical’ Vegans

JAMAICA PLAIN, MA — A recent study has shown that plants may indeed feel pain. This discovery profoundly affects 'ethical' vegans who refuse to cause any distress to living things. They're turning over a new leaf, and photosynthesis is the new dish of the day.

At the root of this 'green' revolution is organic quinoa enthusiast and spokesperson for the 'Vegans for Photosynthesis Advocacy' (VPA) movement, Willow Green. "We were horrified to learn that we were causing discomfort to our leafy brethren," she disclosed, visibly turning green. "We’re now embracing a cruelty-free lifestyle that saves both animals and plants."

Supporters of this groundbreaking shift have begun to cultivate a healthy green complexion, allegedly the first signs of successful human photosynthesis. Advocates claim to feel more rooted in Mother Earth than ever before.

Dr. Herb Frond, a homeopathic doctor and long-time vegan, shed light on this process: "By absorbing sunlight, we’re deriving sustenance from the primal source of life, causing zero harm to sentient beings."

Meanwhile, the conservative community has sprouted an opinion. Noted radio host Hank 'Steak-and-Potatoes' Thompson couldn't resist grilling the latest vegan trend. "First, they targeted our steaks, then our chicken, and now our salads. What's next? Photon lattes?"

Progressive supermarkets are rapidly branching out to accommodate this new phenomenon. Photosynthetic starter kits, complete with designer sun hats, SPF 0 sunscreen, and portable sun lamps for those cloudy days, are flying off the shelves faster than a hummingbird on nectar.

However, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Some vegans have expressed concerns about the environmental impact of this shift. Sunny Fields, a sun worshipper and part-time vegan, expressed his worries. "What about real plants? Won't we be hogging all their sunlight?" Willow Green, responding to Field's comment, laughed and pointed to her new line of 'Share the Sun' crop tops.

An even more extreme militant vegan group, the Aquatic Empathy Activists (AEA), have proposed a novel remedy to the water drinking 'micro-genocide': 'sterilized intravenous hydration'. They argue that every gulp of water is an aquatic armageddon for microorganisms. Their solution? Harmlessly rehome displaced micro-creatures to a specially-built parasite pool paradise. Then, the 'disinfected' water can be used for hydration via an IV drip, ensuring the liquid remains sterile and massacre-free. Critics argue that the 'home for unhoused microbes' is problematic as the microorganisms become refugees, doomed to a life of micro-apartheid. Others say it's a necessary sacrifice to prevent the death of nonillions (10^30) of microscopic life forms.

It seems with advances in technology, sooner than later humans will no longer ingest food or breathe air 'naturally'. That's a small price to pay to ensure that every non-human creature (no matter how big or small) is not harmed by the innate selfish human desire to enjoy food.