Democrat's Devious Prison Plan for Trump: "The Art of the Cell: Protocols for Epsteining Trump"

FLORENCE, CO — In a shocking revelation that's breaking the internet, an FBI whistleblower released a dossier of prison cell protocols for former President Donald Trump, should he go to prison. The document, ominously titled "The Art of the Cell: Protocols for Epsteining Trump" has sparked an unprecedented amount of consternation from Republicans and everyone else with a brain. Democrats are cheering with glee at the prospect of Trump not only behind bars but underneath a pile of dirt.

Nancy Pelosi, devious former Speaker of the House, quipped to reporters, "Well, it seems like they're really rolling out the red carpet for Mr. Trump, doesn't it? Or should I say, an orange jumpsuit for the bad Orange Man?" With a sly smile, she cryptically added, "Prisons are so under budget these days they can't even afford basic repairs...like fixing broken video cameras."

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, known for her fiery social media presence and witlessness, Tweeted, "#TrumpHotelBehindBars 🔒 - their special offer? One Epstein Escape Package⚰️♥♥♥🤣🤣🤣, seemingly free of charge! Talk about luxury accommodations for the 1%!" she quipped, adding a winking face emoji at the end of her tweet.

Conservative activist Charlie Kirk, an unwavering loyal supporter of Trump was quoted as saying, "I will do everything in my power to ensure that Trump does not get Epsteined. Even if I have to go to prison with him."

According to the secret document, should Trump find himself making license plates instead of real estate deals, he'd be greeted with conditions suspiciously similar to the late Jeffrey Epstein's final residence. 

The cell will be equipped with a 'defective' surveillance camera that flickers snow-patterns precisely every 15 minutes. 'Coincidentally', the Secret Service agents assigned to Trump will be scheduled "coffee breaks" during the camera's downtime. This will of course provide a convenient unsupervised window of opportunity for Trump to be 'Epsteined' without witnesses.

For plausible deniability, the document also details Epstein-enhanced prison features. For example, the cell will only be unlockable from the inside. Also, the main prison guard assigned to Trump will be a narcoleptic Hillary sycophant who falls asleep regularly on duty and is prone to violent fits of rage.

As news of this shocking protocol made headlines, Trump responded with characteristic confidence and bravado, dismissing the notion that he would ever be 'Epsteined'. At a spontaneous press conference at Mar-a-Lago, he stated, "Let's get one thing straight. I'm not going to prison, but even if I did, they'd make me warden within a week. Believe me, it would be tremendous. I'd be the most successful prisoner they've ever seen - I'd run the place so bigly, they'd forget I was the one behind bars!"