Woman Hires Incompetent Hitman on Dark Web, Pays in Bitcoin

ALBUQUERQUE, NM – Brenda Bitler, a 45-year-old woman from New Mexico, found herself in a conundrum after attempting to hire a hitman on the internet.

Bitler, seeking a solution to her ongoing disputes with her ex-husband Bennie Bitler, turned to the dark web, where she believed she could find a discreet solution to her problem. After learning about Bitcoin from her tech-savvy neighbor, she transferred $5,000 in the cryptocurrency to a user named "SilentButDeadly."

"I assumed 'SilentButDeadly' was a professional," Brenda Bitler said in an exclusive interview. "The name suggested a certain level of expertise in the field."

However, "SilentButDeadly" in reality was Jay Stick, a fourteen-year-old local Fortnite champion who thought he was being recruited for a secret mission in a new immersive game. 

"I was thrilled," Stick said. "I thought I was selected as a beta tester. The idea of being a virtual hitman was exciting."

The situation escalated when Brenda sent Jay a detailed message outlining Bennie's daily routine, complete with the best times and places for the supposedly deadly deed. Stick, believing this was an elaborate real-world marketing prank for the game, set out to complete his mission armed with nothing but a Super Soaker and a bag of paintballs.

Stick, dressed in a black trench coat and ski mask, ambushed Bennie at his local gym. Bennie, a former linebacker, was initially startled but quickly realized the absurdity of the situation.

"I was taken aback at first," Bennie admitted. "But when I saw this scrawny kid with a water gun, I couldn't help but laugh. I've been tackled by 300-pound monsters."

In a shocking turn of events, Brenda and Bennie reconciled, finding common ground in their shared amusement over the situation. They plan to use the returned Bitcoin to fund a vacation in three years – after Brenda is released from prison for attempted murder.

As for Jay, he's grounded indefinitely, and his gaming console has been confiscated. However, he remains optimistic. "It was a pretty epic prank, right? I bet I could start a YouTube channel or something."

In the end, Brenda Bitler learned a valuable lesson: if you're going to hire a hitman, maybe don't pay in Bitcoin. And perhaps verify they're not a teenage gamer geek.