ORCPE Declares: No Shabbat, No Problem! Non-Religious Jews Urged to Settle on Mars

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — In a startling new solution to age-old debates, the Orthodox Rabbinical Council of Planet Earth (ORCPE), has issued an unprecedented recommendation. In what can only be described as an otherworldly ruling, the ORCPE is encouraging non-observant Jews to pack their bags, bid adieu to their earthly confines, and head to Mars.

The ORCPE, in their infinite wisdom, have deduced that Shabbat, the day of rest, only exists on Earth, per Jewish law. Since non-observant Jews do not follow the strictures of Shabbat, the organization has decided that there's no place better for them than the Red Planet - where every day is just a plain old day.

 "It's quite simple, really. If there's no Shabbat on Mars, there can't possibly be any violation of Shabbat," the ORCPE explained in an official statement. It seems that logic, much like the gravity on Mars, is somewhat lighter here.

The Council also noted the unexpected bonus for those worried about kosher dietary laws. With no non-kosher food on Mars, the potential for transgressions is as vacant as the Martian landscape itself. As the old saying goes, "No pigs on Mars!" The ORCPE gleefully remarked, "It's a win-win situation! Our non-observant brethren can live free of guilt about what's on their plate, or what day they're working."

However, not everyone is excited about the ORCPE's new Mars initiative. Skeptics have pointed out minor obstacles like the lack of breathable air, the inhospitable climate, and the small matter of being 54.6 million kilometers away. To this, the Council simply shrugged, "Details, details. Elon Musk is working on it."

The ORCPE's proposal underscores the complexities and nuances of religious observance in the modern age. But, as we grapple with these serious issues, it's comforting to know that somewhere out there, a solution as red and radiant as Mars is floating in the cosmos, ready to welcome us with open arms, or rather, barren plains.

To all non-observant Jews out there, it's time to dust off your space suits and start brushing up on your Martian. The future is here, and it's waiting for you on the Red Planet! Shabbat Shalom, or should we say... just plain Shalom?