Jordan Peterson’s Enigmatic God Beliefs Keep Interfaith Panel Awake For 267 Hours Straight

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM — World-renowned psychologist and author Dr. Jordan Peterson recently set a Guinness World Record for leading the longest religious panel discussion in history. He captivated a rabbi, priest, and imam in a thought-provoking Socratic debate about the existence of God for a remarkable 267 hours straight.

The question posed to each panelist was simple: "Do you believe in God?" The answers from Rabbi Eli Goldstein, Imam Abdul Farid, and Father Thomas O'Sullivan were as clear as their faiths: an unwavering "yes."

Peterson, five-time winner of 'The Analytical Minutiae Prize', responded, "What does the 'G' in God mean?" Peterson stroked his chin thoughtfully and further mused, "It all depends on what you mean by the letter 'G'." So began the historic philosophical marathon.

Peterson then exhibited his mastery at defining the indefinable, similar to a past exchange with acclaimed atheist Dr. Susan Blackmore. Peterson triggered her, stating "You're not an atheist. You think you are, but no." Peterson destroyed Blackmore by claiming her commitment to 'the logos' contradicted her atheism. In a surprising twist during the panel discussion, Rabbi Goldstein asked Peterson if the same logic applied to his belief. Father O'Sullivan turned whiter than a Communion wafer at the prospect of a thirty-minute inconclusive lecture on 'Interpreting the Temporality of Epistemological Eschatological Existential Phenomena in a Post-Modern Society'...or something similar. However, Peterson paused for dramatic effect and delivered a succinct, "No." Crisis averted, but only temporarily.

In another equally confusing, yet entertaining discourse, Imam Farid confronted Peterson about his claim that he "acts as though God exists." Farid posed, "Why shouldn't I act as though Elvis is alive or unicorns exist?" Peterson leaned back in his chair and responded, "Well, if acting as though Elvis is alive means you're going to wear rhinestone-studded jumpsuits, and if acting as though unicorns exist means you're in constant fear of being impaled, then perhaps you should reconsider." Laughter rippled across the audience, punctuating the weighty tension in the air.

After eleven days of intense scrutiny, existential dread, and more insights about the letter 'G' than anyone ever thought possible, the discussion finally ended. In true Peterson style, attendees and viewers worldwide were left with few clear answers about Peterson's beliefs about much of anything. Atheist neuroscientist Sam Harris, who previously had a seven-and-a-half-hour mini-discussion with Peterson, said "Now the theists know how I feel!"

Father O'Sullivan commented post-panel, "I think I've aged five years. The last time I heard so many words with so few definitive answers was in a politics class back in seminary."

Some progress was made though. Peterson concluded, "Do I believe in God? I suppose that depends on what 'believe' means…"