Anheuser-Busch to Apologize for Bud Light Fiasco

ST. LOUIS, MO — As paraphrased by the great modern philosopher Justin Bieber, “Sometimes it's too late to say sorry”. Or, maybe not.

Beer titan Anheuser-Busch (AB) finally conceded that the 'customer is always right'. After losing tens of billions of dollars in value after the Dylan Mulvaney debacle, AB vowed to return to their roots: beers, bros, bonafide babes in bikinis, and belching contests.

An anonymous source close to the AB marketing team confirmed that the brewer is ditching their disastrous dudley dudettes in disguise diversification drive. AB intends to apologize for their ill-fated Bud Light 'inclusivity campaign', which had less fizz than a flat pint of IPA.

"Why say it with an expensive and patronizing advertising campaign when a simple 'sorry' will do?" mused Johnny 'Beer Belly' Baldwin, AB's new Head of Public Relations. Baldwin, a renowned straight-talker, was reportedly hired to put some much-needed natural testosterone back into the brewery's loins.

While Bud Light’s brand value continues to drain faster than a keg at a frat party, this new direct approach is a hopeful sign that AB has finally understood what their primary male demographic wants: a cold brewski and dickless chicks born dickless.

"Bud Light's misadventures in the Land of Woke was like watching a blizzard form from a single misguided snowflake. The cold snap was immediate and brutal," observed Senator Ted Cruz, an early boycotter of Bud Light's diluted wokeness and beer, preferring neither.

This latest development has been hailed as a triumph by the silent majority of beer enthusiasts who just want to crack open a cold one without being subjected to a sermon on societal norms. "My beer doesn't need to make a political statement. It just needs to make me feel like I'm the most interesting man in the world," one local bar-goer told us, referencing the successful Dos Equis campaign.

As the dust settles on this beer battle, AB seems to have sobered up, realizing that they just need to chill, like a frothy cold one. Perhaps this 'Bros over Woes' strategy will restore Bud Light to its former glory. Or, maybe it will continue to float lifelessly past the mainstream, forever a footnote as the Great Beer Blunder.

In the world of beer, it’s better to be a manly man than a faux female. AB didn't need to lose 20 billion dollars to learn that.

Update: A spokesperson from AB conveyed their intent to not apologize and let Bud Light die a self-inflicted self-righteous death.