Lonely Elderly Starlet Reveals, "Hollywood Glitz is Fool's Gold"

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Brenda Glamfermer, the once shining star of Hollywood's Golden Age, is now an 87-year-old wondering why her phone isn’t ringing off the hook with invites, well-wishes, or even a wrong number. The famed, glamorous, and perpetually single actress who championed the "Me, Myself, and I" lifestyle came to a shocking realization: "My life was all about me. But now I'm...lonely?"

For decades, Brenda was Hollywood's quintessential independent woman, famously quoted saying, "Children? Who needs 'em! Husbands? An audience I don't need." She took the silver screen by storm, earning big bucks and even bigger accolades. But these days, Brenda is mostly earning... cobwebs on her mailbox.

Neighbors often overhear her shouting at her voice-activated assistant, "Siri, who visited me last?" only to get the consistent response, "No new notifications, Brenda."

Local conservative radio host, Billy Biggs, chimed in with his insightful opinion: "Can an Oscar hug you or keep you warm at night? Maybe if you melt it down."

Brenda, known for her tenacious spirit, tried organizing a "Me Party" last week, expecting Hollywood's A-listers to come rushing. To her surprise, the only attendee was a lost Amazon delivery guy, who stayed for a slice of cake and a selfie (for his grandma, a fan from the 60s).

Brenda's closest companion, her cat named Ego, also seems to be embodying the "independence" mantra, often disappearing for days, chasing younger, sprightlier feline companions.

Margaret Gleefill, a fellow actress from Brenda's era who chose family over fame, commented, "I always envied her glamorous life. Now, as I'm surrounded by my 12 grandchildren, I just wish Brenda had someone to borrow sugar from."

Glamfermer remains optimistic. "I’ve started watching reruns of my films. That young girl on the screen? She's fantastic company!" With streaming platforms bringing back old classics, Brenda hopes to rekindle some of her past fame – and perhaps win a few new visitors.

The age-old adage sadly seems apt: All that glitters is not gold. And in Hollywood, even gold eventually tarnishes.