High School Bans Talking, Embraces Mime Life for DEI
PORTLAND, OR — Eastbroke High School silenced its classrooms. Not for meditation or discipline—but for Diversity, Inclusivity, and Equity (DIE) for their lone deaf student.
The plan was to teach everyone sign language and mandate it as the only permitted form of school communication. When that proved challenging, the administration implemented their simpler backup plan: require all staff and students to free-form mime in lieu of speaking.
Dr. Virt Signel, Eastbrook's Superintendent, elaborated on the decision. "Allyship is important but teaching sign language to the entire school is impractical. Let's get real—today's teenagers are dumber than ever. They barely speak English as a first language and half lose at tic-tac-toe. Frankly, even the smarties never have a free hand to sign cuz' they're glued to their dumb phones."
Tenth-grader Misty Silentmoon remarked, "I gestured about Bill Clinton in history class and got sent to the principal's office for being obscene. Mr. Ridley thought it was a cigar or something.' Hashtag soooo embarrassed."
Harmony Clearsigner, the deaf student at the center of the tumult signed, "I may be deaf, but I go to school with retards. Yeah, I said the 'R' word. You gonna cancel the deaf kid? I cancel this stupidity I never asked for."
One positive outcome is that Eastbroke students have become experts in body language. The school took first place in an international charades competition held in Madrid, Spain.
As Eastbroke adjusts to the sound of crickets, other schools are observing silently. Dr. Signel is already working on his next innovation: A school bell that emits scents instead of sounds.
