San Francisco Criminals Celebrate as 83-Year-Old Pelosi Announces Another Run for Congress

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As a sign of overwhelming criminal approval of Nancy Pelosi's recent decision to run for her congressional seat again in 2024, the crime rate within her San Francisco district immediately skyrocketed. The city's underground network of criminals reportedly popped open bottles of store-stolen champagne in celebration.

Tommy "Two-Toes", 65, a local pickpocket, was elated. "I was thinking of retiring and collecting an honest dollar with social security, but now that Nancy's back, it's open season! It's like Black Friday every day out here!" He exclaimed, while simultaneously stealing a reporter's wallet.

Linda McAlister, a 50-year resident of the city, wasn't as impressed. "Nancy running again? Honey, she should be shuffling with a walker to a nursing home, not Congress!" she huffed, clutching her handbag tighter as she walked past Tommy. "I'd vote for her if she promised free hip replacements."

Others took to X (formerly known as Twitter) to share their thoughts. User @SFCrimeLover wrote, "With #Pelosi2024, why buy locks anymore? 🤷‍♂️" while @AgingButNotOut joked, "Hope she's including life alerts in her campaign swag bags! 🚨"

Perhaps the most surprising response came from Freddy "The Feline" Martinelli, a burglar known for his cat-like agility. "I've been a fan of Pelosi since day one. If she can stay in the game this long, so can I," he said, pausing to pull a ski mask over his face. "But first, I need to 'acquire’ that anti-aging cream she’s on. Age ain't slowing her down, and I need to keep up!"

As for the rest of the geriatric Congress, rumors swirl of a new secret committee: The Octogenarian Olympics, where political elites will compete in events like "The Medicare Maze", "Denture Dash", and “Senility Sprint”.